The Buried Past

Every girl would wish for ‘it’. Every girl would like to see ‘it’ in him. But ‘it’ is destiny... ‘it’ is love

I stepped out of the house and started to walk. There were hundreds of them walking down the street. There was a smile across her face. He was the reason. And they looked like they were ‘made for each other’. There goes another one, yet another one and …. Irrespective of caste, color and creed, one unseen force binds them. They call it love. I call it love too.

I was lucky to have loving parents. I will be ever indebted to my mom; ofcourse indebted is a very small word. She’s not only my mom but my friend, my guide and everything. I owe my existence, my life and everything to her. I guess I need not say much about my upbringing.

I have drawn a circle of constraint for myself within this beautiful family. My heart, my soul and everything else were them. Them alone.

Until one day, a campaigner imbued this circle and walked away with my heart. Chandu, as I used to call him, was the gem of a person. He worked for a reputed software firm; I worked for the same firm too.

Why did I call him a gem of a person?

If a girl likes someone beyond her family, a family that she has been a part of for more than 20-25 years, think how well he would have impressed her. Every girl sees some qualities in her lover. What did I see in him? You will know as you read along.

First and foremost, I loved his voice. The way he spoke, his accent left me enchanted. Marvelous, fabulous and other words, synonymic. The next thing, his eyes. He’s a scorpion and those piercing looks can strike an arrow right through your heart, and if looks can kill, consider me dead already.

Scorpions have this animal magnetism which makes them attractive and others, attracted. And so he became my dream guy. Though it wasn’t love at first sight, it was some feeling above attraction and crush. Perhaps, I have constrained myself with this mind block that I shouldn’t love any one.

We worked for the same project and so I had more time to spend with him. For the first time I ever felt that I could spend some moments happily with some one outside my family.

He took special care of me. He helped me out with everything. He adores my parents who in turn too like him. And there are hundreds of reasons which I can’t pen down.

Slowly I became possessive of him. I wouldn’t allow my friends to talk to him. And I couldn’t digest, him moving tight knit, with some other girl. The more the time you spend with some one else, the more emotionally you will be attached. And if it’s someone of opposite sex, it perhaps leads to a weird feeling called love.

Yes, it hasn’t taken much time for me to realize that I was in love with him. I was mature enough to know the differences between love, infatuation etc. I know he’s the guy for me. He’s my guy.

And perhaps the happiest moment of them all was when I walked to him to propose. I can’t wait anymore. I can’t afford to lose some one like him.

“I’ve been waiting to tell you this since a long time. I’ve known many guys but I never felt the same way with them like when I am with you. Rather, I never felt the same way when they aren’t there for me. But when you aren’t there, I see a huge gaping void in my life. And if this feeling is termed …”

He interrupted me and said, “I love you!!!”

That was the happiest moment ever in my life, and I hugged him. Deep within my heart, I thanked god for this wonderful guy. And prayed that this should last forever and ever and ever.

I swore to myself. I would never hurt him, I would never make him angry and I would be always subservient.

I rest my head on his lap and looked at the sky. “Till the sun shines and the stars twinkle, our love would last,” he promised with a kiss on my forehead.

“Look at the world around us. It’s so beautiful. The chirping of the birds when the sun rises and the gentle rustling of the leaves when the wind blows, the streaks of rays that crisscross the clouds...” I moved my hand over his mouth gently, interrupting him, “but more beautiful is your love!!!”

But life is a dream, love, an illusion. He just left me. Left me for good. I was broken. Devastated and lost like anyone who lost their love.

How could he have forgotten all those days when we walked hand in hand, when I rested my head on his shoulder clinging to his hand? How could he have forgotten those days when I slept on his lap when he lulled me to sleep singing those songs with his sweet voice of his? How could he have forgotten those teddy hugs and chip ‘n dale kisses? How could he have forgotten the fact that I loved him more than my parents and everyone else in this world?How could he have forgotten that he meant the world to me?

I know these questions would go unanswered. If he ever comes back, I would teach him a lesson. My cheeks became moist. Will he ever return?

I will let him know how painful it was. And I will make him suffer. I have been good to him all these days. As I promised myself, I’ve always been servile. But not anymore. He’s got to know how much I am suffering. How much he’s shattered my heart, my love for him.

I shook my head. Yet, I will continue to love him. He’s dearest to me. Anger is waxing and waning my emotions towards him. But love is eternal. I will love him... love him... love him... even when he robbed me of my blissful future and beautiful past.

You never know why you are destined to meet certain people in your life time. All those hugs, kisses, love and finally heart breaks. Why should this happen to me? I have loved him more than anything else. I was sincere. I never quarreled with him. I liked him even more than my mom.

Tears inadvertently flowed through my eyes. The pain that he left me is inexplicably colossal, if I can use that word to describe the crunching feeling inside my heart.

My beautiful face became, all of a sudden, so ugly, one reason being his absence that robbed me of my life and another, the melancholy that was paroxysmal when I approached ‘it’.

What’s ‘it’?

I slowly knelt on the ground wiping those tears and placed the flowers on ‘it’, his grave, that buried my loving past.